When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
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I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
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A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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