She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
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Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
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Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I could fuck to npr.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
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