The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
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Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
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How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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