the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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