i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
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The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
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I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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