You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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