for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
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Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
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Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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