omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Randomize