Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
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I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
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