Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize