so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
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The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
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