I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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