I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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