you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
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