Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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