i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
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The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
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STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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