I am spending my child support on dildos
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
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