Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
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He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
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A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
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