trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
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You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
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I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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