My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize