Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
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I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
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I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
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