I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Houston, we have a squirter
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
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