I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
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Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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