How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
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I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
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Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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