His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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