You made me cry and you don't even care
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
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Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
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I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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