I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
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So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
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I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
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