No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
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Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
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Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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