Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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