some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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