My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
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Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I'm sobbing to NWA
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
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