I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
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