oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
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You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize