its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
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Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I'm always down for nudity.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
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