I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
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He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
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If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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