Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
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we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
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Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
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