You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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