she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
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the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
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Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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