my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
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