i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
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