I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
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and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
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I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I would fuck him just for his dog
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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