Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
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All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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