Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I cannot find my penis.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
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Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
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Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
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