My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
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And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
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I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
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