Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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