I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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