for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
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We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
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Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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