Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
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i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
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Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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