There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
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