Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
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Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
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had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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